I think suicide hotlines are beautiful. I thought they were stupid when I was in my 20s and suicidal. I've also been suicidal in my 30s, that's when I started calling suicide hotlines. I cried & cried the first time I talked to a suicide hotline operator. Being able to talk to an empathetic stranger about shit that had me feeling fucked, shit that felt impossible to share, it meant the world. How helpful it can be to talk about fucked up feelings. I began seeking out more sustained mental health help. Now, years later, I'm less suicidal. For the majority of my life I thought it was impossible, for me, to not have regular thoughts about killing myself. It's a weird and difficult to endeavor to do something you think is impossible, to feel a way you've never felt, to cease feeling a way you've always felt. It's required a strange belief. I think about Keats' definition of negative capability-- "capable of being in uncertainties, Mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason." I've had develop an acceptance of feeling lost in the zone of uncertain mysterious doubt. This is the closest I've come to faith.