I was in Omaha. Got some coffee at Blue Line. Walked around. Went to Hello Holiday. Tried on sunglasses. Wanted to buy a couple pairs. Started thinking about when I might buy them. Imagined making a point of stopping in and picking up some shades. I was fantasizing about purchasing sunglasses. I had been imagining life with new shades. I felt joy thinking about myself wearing new shades. I felt like I "should" buy new shades, like shades are something I like and "should" buy from time to time.
Writing this blog caused me to go to Amazon.com and delete everything on my wish list. Writing this blog also resulted in me buying stuff that had previously been on my Amazon.com wish list: a how to be better with $$$ book, fitbit bands, two self-help books, and a vegetarian cookbook. I feel alright about buying these things, but I do hope to be done with buying. These purchases came from a place of "I want to be a person who is better with money, better at cooking, better at being active, better at addressing mental health issues." I find the desire to be a different person--even if that person is simply a healthier version of yourself--is a sucky desire, a desire that converses comfortably with fucked up I hate myself feels. But yeah, the desire to be healthier was the emotional milieu from which this buying decision was made.